a beautiful emergence.

Every year the seasons change. Time is constant and it forever continues and thus the seasons carry on and cycle and stumble into one another. Yet for some reason, the energy of new life that comes with the beautiful emergence of spring always takes me by surprise. It takes me by surprise in the best way possible. Life drags on through the endless end to winter and without noticing so, we too are dragged on in the dullness by default. It feels as though the revitalization by spring has sprung rather quickly this year. Nonetheless, it feels good. There is a slight buzzing in the warm air that feels like hope, smells like anticipation, and practically begs for contentment and joy from all.

precious rain.

today was a rainy morning that turned into something beautiful this afternoon. to me, the day acted as tangible symbolism of seemingly gloomy situations having the potential for beauty in the end. after a great day, i was feeling rather reflective tonight and decided to read through some dusty journals. after getting lost in the old pages of pain, discovery, happiness, and growth i stumbled across an entry from almost exactly a year ago today that is quite fitting. re-reading entries such as this makes me so glad that i enjoy writing as much as i do, for sometimes words have the power to capture a moment in time perfectly in black and white.

Today was another rainy day that somehow offered hope. The rain brings life and life is ever so precious. The majority of the stress I anticipate for this semester is coming to a close until finals week, and for that I am very thankful! It's been interesting this semester and I've certainly learned a lot, in and (more so) out of the classroom. I try as much as I can to not "box" people and "put the person first". Once I get past the initial and natural biases/stereotypes I have in my head, I find it much easier to get to know someone for who they really are. It's a continual struggle but I am moving forward and movement is a good thing I think. You've got to start somewhere, right? I find myself upset that I am not more patient and slower to speak. I'd like to work on this a lot this summer. My professor does always say "active listening is a great skill to have". And professors are usually pretty right about these things? The rain continues to pitter-patter-pitter-patter against my roof, and I suddenly feel overwhelmingly lucky to have a roof over my head, protecting this mind of mine on this cool night. I am starting to fall asleep with hopes of life taking me on an adventure tomorrow.

war of people.

Last week, I did a poetry reading as part of a program called 'Through the Eyes of a Woman: Seeing HER in HIStory'. When I found out what the theme was this year, I tried to answer what I personally thought it to mean. This thought process sparked the creation of the piece I eventually read in the show. This is what I came up with.

war of people.

With brown eyes wide open,

I am a small woman who lives in a big, big world.

This world is one dominated by male influence.

Yet also, a world dominated by racism

By poverty and war.

Brokenness and darkness.

Inequality.

Across virtually every avenue, life in unequal.

Some eat caviar while others starve

Some sail yachts while others drown screaming

Some commit abuse while others fall victim to it

Some scatter joy while others murder laughter

Some hope for Heaven while others fear Hell

Some chase their dreams while others run from them.

They say "life is a marathon, not a sprint".

But I often wonder where we are running to, and more importantly-

What it is that we are so desperately running from.

With brown eyes wide open,

I certainly see sexism.

But I also feel a stinging in my heart and my bones aching as I watch the news.

I smell the decay of rotting war and ashes from bridged burned.

I hear cries for help echo in the night, loud as a gong.

Our little battle of the sexes is trivial amidst this large war of people.

I put knowledge, loneliness, and faith in my pocket, head down the road of life.

With brown eyes lurking over a blink,

The big, big world stops for just a moment and

I see something different.

I see potential.

antique love.

in honor of Valentine's Day, a poem about love...

The mirrors reflection shows a girl

One who loves sunflowers, dark chocolate

She’s always laughed too hard

Embarrassing her mother

She’s always sung like an angel

Impressing her father

This girl has an aura about her

The sunlight follows her smile

While dark clouds turn at the sight of her

The girl skips through life as though it’s an old braided jump rope

She reads trashy romance novels and fingerpaints

Bakes cookies, sugar cookies

They’re as warm as her heart

The mirrors reflection shows a boy

One who loves football, Jeep Wranglers

He’s always at Sunday church

Escorting his mother

He’s always working on vintage cars

Helping his father

This boy has an aura about him

The teachers use him as an example

While the students admire him so

The boy runs through life as though he’ll never look back

He wears goofy glasses and waterski’s

Does crosswords, New York Times crosswords

They’re as messy as his chestnut hair

The cameras reflection shows a couple

Who love silly faces, ice cream with rainbow jimmies

They’re forever playing, laughing

They have an aura about them

This girl and this boy

Whose faces glow in the worn antique mirror

A mirror as old yet new as their love

the heart of the matter.

do you ever think about how it's those things that you try the hardest to forget that you can never seem to forget? the soft voice of a loved one's last words, or the loud door slamming, shattering a long friendship along with the falling glass panes. the brisk massachusetts air chilling your neck and cheeks on the side of the road, tears stinging those cheeks as you stand frozen, looking at the remnants of the accident. and with all that you are, you try and forget the way his hand feels against the small of your back, behind your head. and you try to remember the reasoning. because there is logical thinking in your mind related to these instances and memories that may have guided your choices, for better or worse. these vivid memories that haunt you when you are left alone with no noise but your own thoughts are fairly exhausting. after enough reflection, your mind can usually work itself back out of this spiderweb of emotion, but nonetheless, it will eventually venture back down the same roads. there is no telling when this will be. but i am willing to bet that it will occur, for in situations of mind over matter, your heart will always succeed.

don't worry, be happy

One of my favorite books is 10,000 Things To Be Happy About by Barbara Ann Kipfer. It is basically just a simple list of happy things. I've had this little book for years and years and anytime I need a pick-me-up, I just turn to any page, and begin to read. It never ceases to put a smile on my face, and put things into perspective.

Life is not meant to be overly complicated and chaotic in my opinion, and neither is this book. Self-help books are an interesting concept. They are so profoundly deep in their attempt to pin point why it is that people do and think the things they do, and, offer how we can fix these flaws within ourselves and others. Sometimes I think all we actually need is to be reminded that life is full of little joys around every corner. The busy whirlwind of life fogs our view of these small everyday beauties that too deserve happiness and appreciation just as much as the next. So, in the spirit of the Thanksgiving holiday, here is what I am currently happy about, and thankful for:

-fall foliage
-putting my pride on the shelf
-sugar cookies
-belly laughing
-perfect cursive handwriting
-Sunday's
-honesty (even when it hurts)
-puns/a good play on words
-togetherness
-my Nana's Christmas CD
-change & new beginnings
-waking up without an alarm
-pinot noir
-hand-written notes

Find more happy things here: http://thingstobehappyabout.com/

lessons from Angel

Today I had a very interesting and inspiring conversation. I met a man from Spain named Angel who, together with his wife, founded a non-profit a few years ago that works to better the lives of people living in La Prusia (Nicaragua). A friend of mine had volunteered building houses through Angel's organization this summer and shared about his adventure with me, which first sparked my interest. Long story short - I met Angel today and was fortunate enough to speak with him for about two hours, a conversation that certainly gave me some food for thought. He shared with me about his life and the more and more I listened to Angel, I realized something...he never talked about himself. He spoke of what he learned from other people, how he enjoys helping other people, and continued to ask me to share my story with him. After we talked, I was blown away by how unbelievably selfless a person Angel is, even in his words.

Angel shared with me about his first trip to Nicaragua, an experience that "shocked" him. Angel then explained to me how he believes we as people are overwhelmed by the things we learn. It's actually kind of funny because sometimes I can't help but feel like we receive all this education about the world and then no one really knows what to do with the knowledge we gain. I think it may be because we are afraid our energy will be a wasted effort. For instance, when we learn about the severe poverty that much of the world lives in, a societal issue that would take millions if not billions of dollars to fix, we are too overwhelmed to do anything about it. Angel answered this by smiling, shrugging his shoulders, and replying "well, I may not have millions to give, but that fact surely isn't going to stop me from giving what I can and impacting the lives of a few people, instead of impacting no one. I am doing the best I can, and while my work may seem small scale to some, to those affected, it isn't." Angel told me that learning theories is one thing, and seeing realities is something entirely different. He also said to me "sometimes we experience things in life that change us, we will see something and it will grab hold of us; and if you are anything like me, you cannot from that point go on pretending a world other than our own doesn't exist."

On my ride home, stuck in aggravating outskirts of Boston traffic, I began to think about the things I know to be true in life, but either just ignore or pretend aren't reality. I came up with quite a list, and I'm sure we all would if we stopped to have this type of internal dialogue more often. I came to another conclusion- there are already a great deal of educated people in the world, who have lots of money. So, maybe these two aspects aren't the only pieces of the puzzle, and maybe, we are our own biggest roadblock of all. Perhaps the real first step is for everyone to just stop pretending. After all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

What has grabbed hold of you? And what are you pretending hasn't?